My Search

I have struggled to find solutions. I guess you could call me a "seeker". Some of the things I looked to were beneficial and some- well, I don't recommend them.

It seemed I consumed entire libraries of self-help books. I attended conferences. I enlisted in the Army and became an Airborne Infantryman with the 82nd Airborne Division. I sought enlightenment through religion. I looked to fill the void through alcohol. I got married and had children.

I eagerly sought distractions and called them solutions.

All of these would offer a temporary fix and then soon enough I would be dissatisfied and angry again, at a loss for why my life was spiraling our of control. I always felt as if I were missing a part of myself, always felt as if there was something just out of sight that was keeping me from putting it all together and allowing me to feel the freedom and joy I just knew was out there waiting for me.

Eventually, after years of self-destruction, some amazing experiences, and some tragedies I became desperate. I met a hypnotist and counselor. We talked and I came to realize that most of my issues were self-inflicted wounds and I didn't have to continue that way.

We delved into my mind and reprogrammed some of my responses. We put in some interrupts for my most destructive behaviors so I could rationally think about what I was doing rather than just reacting out of emotion or habit. Together we worked on ways to re-channel my thoughts and behaviors and give myself a chance.